Getting Over Grief

Patience Toge

Grief is something nobody really likes to deal with. The loss of a parent, a husband, a wife, a child or a friend, usually leaves lasting sad feelings in those deprived of their loved ones.

I lost my father during my late teens; it was my last year at university. The pain I felt during that period is comparable to no other. All of us seven children mourned our father in different ways. My mother was the most affected; it was her husband of thirty years who had died. As she grieved, mother put up a brave face for us all. It was a painful experience. Sometimes she will stare at nothing, a joke, a word from us will bring back memories and she will laugh just to keep herself from weeping. Eleven years have gone by and yet she still talks about our father, her husband, as if he has never left us. When we ask her how she is coping with her grief, she laughs and says she is still holding on because of us; her children and grandchildren.

For many, the stories of grief vary.

Bibinwi and her husband Bobwin went through heart-breaking moments after the loss of their son Bobuin.

“You remember when we lost mama two years back? I thought I would die from heartache, you know she was the pillar of the family. As if that was not enough, our brother decided to join mama six months after,” says Bibinwi, her hand on her chest as if to suppress the pain that had been provoked by the unpleasant memories, “we were like twins; I never thought I would survive another day without him.”

Bobuin had been born a bulky boy weighing a hefty 3.3 kg. A week later, Bobuin developed complications. He was finding it difficult to breathe, especially at night. The young parents treated it lightly, taking it for a passing cold. Unfortunately, the cold never did pass. Bobuin instead passed away. The doctors later discovered that little Bobuin had taken in some water into his lungs during delivery when his mother’s water had broken. It was a lung infection that killed little Bobuin.

“Bobuin’s death was unbearable. I cried for days nonstop. I was a shadow of myself months after we buried Bobuin. The worst part is that Bobuin’s father and I became strangers. Even though we were sharing the same house, we barely spoke to each other; we no longer shared the same room. Each night he came home drunk and end up in the sitting room,” recounts Bibinwi.

Two years have gone by now and things seem to be getting better between Bobwin and his wife. They can now sit down and talk about their dead son, what they had planned for him. Bobuin does not drink as much as before. Bibinwi has come out of her deep depression and is expecting.

What healed the hurt left by little Bobuin’s death is the fact that the parents accepted their loss, and were willing to deal with it.